The Song of the Very Straight Men

—To the tune of “Away, Away With Rum” (the Song of the Temperance Union)

We never wear kilts, ’cause kilts are like drag
And one little swish turns a man to a fag
Can you imagine a deeper despair . . .
Than a man who went gay ’cause he wanted some air?

Refrain:
No way, no way we’re gay. No way!
No way we’re gay. No way we’re gay.
No way, no way we’re gay. No way!
And we’ll tell whoever will listen.

We never eat tofu, ’cause tofu has soy
Full of estrogens that can make girls out of boys
Can you imagine a bigger defeat . . .
Than a man gone all femme ’cause he wouldn’t eat meat?

We won’t let gays marry, which should be no wonder
For every gay marriage tears a straight one asunder
And wouldn’t your mother weep and moan . . .
If her daughter’s gay neighbors made her husband leave home?

I’m scared to wear jeans that flatter my ass
‘Cause any man on the street just might make a pass
Can you imagine sinking so low . . .
As a man who turned queer ’cause he couldn’t say no?

Our sons don’t have dolls, because dolls are like babies
And boys who like babies are gay, there’s no maybes
Imagine a guy who can’t tell who to fuck . . .
‘Cause his folks let him play with things other than trucks!

[FCC-acceptable alternative:
Our sons don’t play dress-up, ’cause dress-up’s confusing
And doesn’t teach them about winning and losing
Can you imagine a deeper disgrace . . .
Than your son playing ball with make-up on his face?]

We never wear pink, ’cause pink is too prissy
And even one stripe turns a man to a sissy
Can you imagine a sorrier sight . . .
Than a man with no balls ’cause his red was too light?

Creative Commons License 
The Song of the Very Straight Men by Miriam Axel-Lute is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 United States License. (i.e., By all means, sing it, and add/adapt verses, but please give credit and get permission before recording it or otherwise making any dough off it.)

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